I started watching “The Family” last night on Netflix and it’s super fascinating and disturbing. It’s a docu-series expose based on Jeff Sharlet’s book by the same name which explores a secret Christian organization that is deeply enmeshed in Washington politics. Terrifyingly, the Family believes that political leaders are selected by God and because they are “chosen,” their position must be protected at all costs, no matter their job performance or moral failings (remember when Trump said he could shoot someone in the middle of 5th Ave and he wouldn’t lose any followers? Yeah…)
Sharlet was involved in the group for a short time, living with “the brothers,” and therefore provides an insider’s take on the culture. One aspect he highlights in episode 1 is “Jesus plus nothing,” which, after mentioning, he goes on to explain.
But I needed no explanation.
Though that’s not the phrase I’m accustomed to, I recognized it immediately as another variation of one I’ve heard (and said) over and over and over again: “It’s not a religion, it’s a relationship.”
- I’m not religious, I just love Jesus.
- I’m not a Christian so much as a follower of Jesus.
- No religion, just Jesus.
- This isn’t about rules, it’s about Jesus.
There’s a million ways to say it. They all boil down to the same message: you are not participating in a religion.
Which would be fine and great, if it were true.
I read an article recently which listed ten instances of gaslighting frequently observed in evangelical Christianity. This was #1, and it took me aback. “It’s not a religion, it’s a relationship.” That’s gaslighting? Wait, what? That’s just reframing!
I think we can all agree that gaslighting is a bad thing. However, it’s less widely appreciated that gaslighting can be unintentional; in fact I think this is extremely common. We picture a malicious person purposely convincing someone else that they have lost their grip on reality, in order to psychologically control them. But gaslighting also includes when people unconsciously or ignorantly impugn others’ sense of reality.
- “This is not what it seems to be, this is something else.”
- “It looks like a religion, but it’s not a religion.”
- “It’s not a religion, it’s a relationship.”
I don’t think for a second that any of the truly wonderful people who have been part of my faith journey had any intention to gaslight me, or anyone! I’ve had many incredible mentors and teachers and pastors and peers as a Christian, and among them are beloved family members and dearest friends. I have fervently defended them in the past, and will continue to do so, when someone suggests that they did not have pure motives, or were doing anything other than earnestly sharing their understanding of Jesus with me.
My conservative Christian community is not “the Family” (who, among the upper echelons of that organization, absolutely do not have pure motives – among the lowest levels, perhaps they do. Sharlet says the men he lived with were not bad guys, and that they genuinely cared about each other…although the actors in the docs-series played it creepy).
I will not take kindly to anyone maligning the character of people I care about who shared Jesus with me out of genuine love, no matter how imperfectly.
But here’s the unfortunate thing. It’s possible to do harm even when you have no malintent and don’t even know you’re doing it.
Also? I have said “it’s not a religion, it’s a relationship” to many people, so I too have unintentionally gaslit others. I think it’s pretty ubiquitous!
I think we all want to emphasize the relationship aspect of faith because that’s the best part, and though it’s different than when I was 16, I still feel relationally connected to Jesus — it’s just there are problems with denying the religion part.
So at the risk of stating the obvious: Christianity is a religion. It doesn’t matter if your pastor wears skinny jeans, or if there’s amazing donuts, or if there’s a PowerPoint and rows of chairs instead of hymnals and pews. You can make religion sexy, but it remains religion.
And religion, I still stubbornly believe, is not inherently a bad thing! Religion can be beautiful and helpful and an agent for good in the world (and, as we all know, it can also be corrupt and harmful and an agent of great evil).
But, regardless of religion’s value or lack thereof, let’s stop telling people they aren’t participating in a religion when in fact they are.
Because this unintentional gaslighting can be harmful. In some cases, disastrous.
If this thing we’re doing is not Christianity, then it becomes incredibly easy for Christian systems of power to exploit us. To deny there is a system at work is to throw a cloak of invisibility over that system and empower it to function furtively in plain sight. The “I’m not religious, I just love Jesus” version of belief — or the “We have no denomination, we just follow the Bible” take on faith — does not actually distance us from powerful systems, but instead makes us their lapdogs, unknowingly eating treats from their hands.
“Simple appeals to ‘what the Bible says’ are always the sign of (no doubt unconscious) subservience to an interpretive tradition, not liberation from it. That which we mistakenly think we have escaped from is in reality free to exercise all the more influence over us, and is therefore all the more potentially dangerous.” – Trevor Hart
Maybe the left hand SHOULD know what the right hand is doing.
You have a tradition, I promise. Even if the Sunday program is printed on cardstock and there’s a QR code you can use for tithing. There’s a hip worship band, not a choir. The name of the church is something like “Elevate” or “Gather.” Still a religion.
I think we like the idea that we are above religion. Too good for that, too sophisticated for that, too evolved for that. I mean, I thought that. I loved the idea that I loved Jesus but rejected religion. Religion has baggage – who wants that? And it was like I was filling out a government form: check this box for religion, check this box to opt-out. “The Jesus Only Package” – yes please!
Whelp, that was an (unintentional) lie. It’s a religion. It has HELLA baggage. I still think Jesus is worthwhile and compelling. I love Jesus, and the conservative Church’s encouragement to pursue relationship with that radical carpenter is one of the greatest gifts of my life. But to engage with the Church is to engage with Christianity, with all of its glory and all of its bullshit.
“What finally brought me back, after years of running away, wasn’t lattes or skinny jeans; it was the sacraments. Baptism, confession, Communion, preaching the Word, anointing the sick — you know, those strange rituals and traditions Christians have been practicing for the past 2,000 years. The sacraments are what make the church relevant, no matter the culture or era. They don’t need to be repackaged or rebranded; they just need to be practiced, offered and explained in the context of a loving, authentic and inclusive community.” – Rachel Held Evans
For additional reading:
- “Aha” moments: Biblical scholars tell their stories (16): Jeannine Brown (featured on Peter Enns website, source for Trevor Hart quote above)
- Want Millennials Back in The Pews? Stop Trying to Make Church Cool by Rachel Held Evans
Photo credits in order:
- Photo by JESHOOTS.COM on Unsplash
- Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash
- Photo by Jeff Finley on Unsplash
- Photo by Rod Long on Unsplash
- Photo by Belinda Fewings on Unsplash
